Pleasing, Over-Adapting, and Authenticity: An Invitation to Integrate Your Shadow

When we are children and our personality is still developing, we begin to internalize beliefs and perceptions about how we should behave in order to be loved. In reality, parental love should be unconditional—given freely and without expectations. But parents often carry their own limiting beliefs, which they unknowingly pass down to their children, believing it’s for the best.

Children get angry as a way to set boundaries. This is not only true in humans but in other animals as well—it’s a natural nervous system response to perceived “danger.”

However, in many cultures and families, certain emotions and behaviors are not allowed. So the child starts to behave in ways that please their parents and, without realizing it, begins to build a version of themselves that pleases others. They’ve “learned.” Of course, not all children react the same way—each person handles stress differently, depending on their personality and genetic predisposition. Nature versus nurture—are we born this way or shaped by experience?

We are not blank slates, as many people believe. In the first chapter of his book The Blank Slate (2002), Steven Pinker critiques this idea. He argues that human beings are not born as empty canvases, but rather, our behavior, personality, and abilities are shaped by genetics and evolution, not only by our environment.

Some children will develop personalities that use aggression as a way to cope with others. Others will become perfectionists, overly demanding of themselves. Still others will try to bring joy and lighten the mood around them. But underneath it all, the motivation is the same: to be loved and accepted.

And in doing so, they begin to hide their shadow—that part of ourselves we don’t want others to see, the part we’re ashamed of, try to deny, and pretend isn’t there… yet we so easily recognize it in others. It’s that part of us that says, “If people saw this side of me, they wouldn’t love me.”

In his work, Carl G. Jung defines the “shadow” as the unconscious aspect of the personality that the ego refuses to acknowledge.

“What you don’t make conscious will appear in your life as fate.” — Carl G. Jung

At an unconscious level, the child develops a personality that over-adapts and forgets who they truly are—covering up their authentic self to become someone who is constantly pleasing others.

In 2012, I went through a painful experience. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and a recurrence in the vaginal cuff.

I remember that after my surgery, a psychologist friend asked me, “Luz, have you explored the emotional root of your cancer?” Although I was already on a journey of self-awareness, I didn’t pay much attention to the question at the time.

But there are studies showing that people with a Type C personality—those who tend to please and avoid confrontation—are more prone to developing illness (Vázquez et al., 2009).

Two months after surgery, I started bleeding and told my doctor. He didn’t take it seriously. I kept going back to his office so he could treat the wound, and he said it was just a granuloma—a minor inflammation or growth from a poorly placed stitch. I blindly followed everything he said, ignoring the advice of my mother, a doctor friend, and others close to me.

I’ve always had a very pleasing personality, and it’s hard for me to confront others. It’s something I’ve been working on for a long time, and I still have to be vigilant. Because of this trait, I didn’t insist that the doctor perform a biopsy to rule out a recurrence. He kept assuring me that there was nothing wrong.

Because I couldn’t be authentic with my emotions—due to the childhood program I had running—I followed his instructions without question. I lacked emotional intelligence. Almost two months later, I had a dream in which my unconscious, through symbolic language, told me three times: “You need to see a doctor.”

Only then did I go to an appointment with an oncologist, who gave me devastating news: I had a recurrent tumor in the vaginal cuff. That first doctor—whether stubborn, incompetent, or unethical—was going to let me die. And I, because I couldn’t confront someone I viewed as an authority figure, was going to keep listening to him.

As a result, I underwent 40 radiation sessions and five rounds of chemotherapy.

What a powerful lesson I had to live through in order to learn to confront, to listen to my body, and to understand that dreams are messages from our unconscious mind calling us to awaken.

What I learned as a child in a home where my father would shush us so as not to disturb our mother when she wasn’t feeling well, led me to internalize the belief that emotions and disagreements should be suppressed—that we must stay silent and obey authority.

I lost my authenticity, tried to hide my shadow, and became a people pleaser in various areas of my life. That’s when I decided to study Life Coaching and Health & Wellness Coaching. I found my life’s purpose—and you can too.

After studying Bioneuroemotion® for two years (a method developed by Catalan psychologist Enric Corbera), I discovered how my body had been manifesting symptoms and stress from unresolved emotional issues that I hadn’t connected in my daily life.

I also integrated this method with emotional intelligence and the self-awareness taught by the wisdom of the Enneagram. I focused my coaching on women’s empowerment, which brought me greater confidence and emotional well-being.

Today, I have many tools to face stress in both my personal life and my work as a life coach.

Stepping out of our comfort zone and meeting our shadow is the key to a more whole and aligned life. Carl Jung said:

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

The shadow is not inherently good or bad—it’s simply another part of us. And it is precisely by confronting the shadow that we find a treasure we can transform to benefit ourselves and others.

You may be wondering: What are the steps to self-awareness? You can explore them in the coaching sessions I offer, where you’ll learn many techniques and methods I’ve applied in my own journey.

Clear and grounded tools that I now offer you—so you too can become your best self by being authentic.

If you feel connected to my story, I invite you to book your coaching session with me and let’s build your path together.